Well, it has been a few days since I posted and what a few days they have been. In the past four days we have dicussed a major family decision, spent the day in Concordia for our nephew, had a couple of incidents at Target, and generally lived life. I did pretty well through it all. Not as well as I would like, but OK.
Have you ever felt like you are the only fat person around? It seems like I am in a family surrounded by people who have never known what it was like to be heavy or that have had to work to lose weight. I was in Concordia, KS this weekend and all of Dan's brothers and sisters were there. I am the only one that is struggling, constantly, with my weight. And, as is typical for a family gathering, there were lots of goodies. Chips, cookies, lemon bars, decadent desserts, you name it. These are the hardest times for me. I seem to always be the only one that doesn't really want to eat these things, all the while being tempted mercilessly by them. I REALLY do want to eat them, but not really, know what I mean? And when every one around me is scarfing down everything in sight it is so hard to be the one person eating sensibly. I did have some chips, well, a lot of chips, and a lemon bar, but I also ate some fruit and I stayed away from the chocolate, graham cracker, pudding thing that would have been the end of all my good intentions! I just hate feeling like the odd man out, so to speak, in situations that involve food. If there are so many fat people in this country, why am I always the only fat person in the room? Why am I the only one that doesn't seem to have any self control? Does anyone else feel that way, too? It drives me crazy! Now, maybe everyone else feels something similar, but when surrounded by a bunch of slim people eating like crazy, it doesn't seem that way. I'm starting to think the only time they do eat is when they are in a group of people. It doesn't seem fair, the fight I seem to have to fight every day just to maintain the weight I am at when people who are 20-30lbs thinner than me can never exercize, eat whatever, whenever, and never gain an ounce. I just don't get it.
The good news is that after a week I am down 1.7lbs. Not a lot of weight, but within the range considered healthy. Last Monday I got sucked into that show, Dance your Ass Off and there were people losing 11-14lbs in one week! I wish it would happen that fast for me. Something else that doesn't seem fair? You can put on weight a lot faster than you can take it off. What is up with that?!? :-)
Well, so long for now. Let's hope this week is successful as well!
'til tomorrow,
Angel
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Day 4...
So, I had a busy day 3 and didn't post. Between kids, teaching, storms and searching for a DVD player for the van, I forgot! I didn't get the DVD player, by the way. That was a trip from Hell! I still don't understand why it was so hard to get a retail store to take my $550 bucks, especially in this economy, but it was a fight I was on the losing end of. Maybe today will be more successful. But, as far as my weight loss goals are concerned, I did pretty well. I stayed within my calorie goals and did Body Design yesterday morning. I taught a step class this morning so I'm good to go! I'm considering going to Turbokick at 8:30 tomorrow morning, but I'm not sure I want to drag all the kids to the Kid Zone with me!!
OK - So, have you ever noticed that when you eat what is actually considered a portion size it turns out to be more than you thought it was? And when you plan what you are going to eat for the day you actually start NOT eating stuff because you aren't hungry? At least that is what happens to me. I started to eat an apple three times yesterday, but each time I went to do it I realized I really didn't want anything and put it back. That just amazes me. How can I eat and eat and eat when I have no plan, but when I do have a plan, I decide to not eat things? My theory is that when you don't have a plan and you don't keep track of things you don't realize how much you are eating. You don't listen to your hunger cues and boredom takes over. So, now I know this, why can't I keep it up for longer than a couple of months? That is my challenge. Not so much changing what I eat, but changing the amount I eat and keeping track of how much I eat and when. This is only day 4 and I'm still in the honeymoon phase. Once I actually start to see results I will continue, it's hitting that plateau state that always does me in! Hopefully the knowledge I have gained about myself will finally allow me to be successful in keeping off the weight once I lose it!
Until next time,
Angel
OK - So, have you ever noticed that when you eat what is actually considered a portion size it turns out to be more than you thought it was? And when you plan what you are going to eat for the day you actually start NOT eating stuff because you aren't hungry? At least that is what happens to me. I started to eat an apple three times yesterday, but each time I went to do it I realized I really didn't want anything and put it back. That just amazes me. How can I eat and eat and eat when I have no plan, but when I do have a plan, I decide to not eat things? My theory is that when you don't have a plan and you don't keep track of things you don't realize how much you are eating. You don't listen to your hunger cues and boredom takes over. So, now I know this, why can't I keep it up for longer than a couple of months? That is my challenge. Not so much changing what I eat, but changing the amount I eat and keeping track of how much I eat and when. This is only day 4 and I'm still in the honeymoon phase. Once I actually start to see results I will continue, it's hitting that plateau state that always does me in! Hopefully the knowledge I have gained about myself will finally allow me to be successful in keeping off the weight once I lose it!
Until next time,
Angel
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Welcome to Day 2!
I feel like I should start this post "Captains Log, Stardate 201643..." :-) Yup, I'm a trekkie!
I found out this morning that a former high school classmate of mine was killed in a car accident on July 3. Since I was so oblivious in high school I didn't know Chip, but I did know who he was. His two sons were with him, one escaped with a broken shoulder, but one is in critical condition in a hospital in Colorado. I am praying for his family and Jack's quick physical recovery. May Jack also be surrounded by loved ones as he deals with his father's death.
Well, overall today was a good day. I did sneak a couple of cheetos, 4 to be exact, at the boys' lunchtime. Cheetos are my FAVORITE and I couldn't resist. I stopped at 4, so minimal damage done and I didn't stare at the plates all during lunch thinking about eating them. The Cheetos, not the plates! :-) Everything else was right on track. I did Turbokick this morning and taught Body Blitz at 11:30. I also got sucked into the whole Michael Jackson memorial thing. I was a little worried it would be a total circus when they were singing the hymn about going to see the King as the casket was brought in, but it turned out to be a very emotional and moving tribute. MJ had his own demons to deal with, and he did make some bad life decisions, but he was a great entertainer and he made some music that will always be a part of my life. May Micheal find the peace in death he was unable to find in life.
I also found out that John's father (John is a fellow instructor at the Y) is in failing health and is not expected to live. John and Natash will both be in my prayers as they deal with this difficult loss.
This seems like a depressing post, doesn't? A lot of death. I guess it is all the cirlce of life. We all have to go sometime. May we make the most of the time we do have on this earth.
Good health and happiness until tomorrow,
Angel
I found out this morning that a former high school classmate of mine was killed in a car accident on July 3. Since I was so oblivious in high school I didn't know Chip, but I did know who he was. His two sons were with him, one escaped with a broken shoulder, but one is in critical condition in a hospital in Colorado. I am praying for his family and Jack's quick physical recovery. May Jack also be surrounded by loved ones as he deals with his father's death.
Well, overall today was a good day. I did sneak a couple of cheetos, 4 to be exact, at the boys' lunchtime. Cheetos are my FAVORITE and I couldn't resist. I stopped at 4, so minimal damage done and I didn't stare at the plates all during lunch thinking about eating them. The Cheetos, not the plates! :-) Everything else was right on track. I did Turbokick this morning and taught Body Blitz at 11:30. I also got sucked into the whole Michael Jackson memorial thing. I was a little worried it would be a total circus when they were singing the hymn about going to see the King as the casket was brought in, but it turned out to be a very emotional and moving tribute. MJ had his own demons to deal with, and he did make some bad life decisions, but he was a great entertainer and he made some music that will always be a part of my life. May Micheal find the peace in death he was unable to find in life.
I also found out that John's father (John is a fellow instructor at the Y) is in failing health and is not expected to live. John and Natash will both be in my prayers as they deal with this difficult loss.
This seems like a depressing post, doesn't? A lot of death. I guess it is all the cirlce of life. We all have to go sometime. May we make the most of the time we do have on this earth.
Good health and happiness until tomorrow,
Angel
Monday, July 6, 2009
My first day..
Happy Monday, All!
Today went pretty well, as first days usually do. I haven't hit that, "Is this really working, and if not, why am I doing it" phase yet. I tracked all my food intake, and taught two classes today, fully particpating in both. I am going to Turbokick in the morning as a participant and teaching a weight class at 11:30.
Even with the stress of having all my kids home, and in the house for most of the day fighting, I didn't let the stress get to me and I only ate what I planned. You know what? I'm stinking hungry! I'm always hungry the first few days that I pay attention to what I eat. My body is getting used to the reduced calorie intake, I guess.
Well, gotta go for today. Jayden and Ryan seem to be having some kerfuffle over who gets to wash their hands first. I guess that is better than them smacking each other in the head with the baseball bat they are fighting over. That was earlier today! Please, Lord, keep me away from the cookie jar on my way to the kitchen.
Until tomorrow,
Angel
Today went pretty well, as first days usually do. I haven't hit that, "Is this really working, and if not, why am I doing it" phase yet. I tracked all my food intake, and taught two classes today, fully particpating in both. I am going to Turbokick in the morning as a participant and teaching a weight class at 11:30.
Even with the stress of having all my kids home, and in the house for most of the day fighting, I didn't let the stress get to me and I only ate what I planned. You know what? I'm stinking hungry! I'm always hungry the first few days that I pay attention to what I eat. My body is getting used to the reduced calorie intake, I guess.
Well, gotta go for today. Jayden and Ryan seem to be having some kerfuffle over who gets to wash their hands first. I guess that is better than them smacking each other in the head with the baseball bat they are fighting over. That was earlier today! Please, Lord, keep me away from the cookie jar on my way to the kitchen.
Until tomorrow,
Angel
My journey begins anew.
OK - So, I have been overweight most of my life. Sometimes more than others, but for the most part I have always been heavy. Looking back at my childhood pictures, where the taunts about being fat began, I wasn't heavy at all. I was a gymnast, I played soccer, I rode my bike, and played outside constantly like kids did back in the day. I wasn't fat, but I wasn't the stick thin kid that seems to be acceptable. From the first time someone called me "fatty", my fate was sealed. I was the fat kid from grade school all the way through high school and into my early twenties. I was an emotional eater who withdrew from trying to make friends because of fear. Who wants to be friends with the fat girl? What did I replace friendship with? You guess it, food. Food became my best friend. It was there when I was happy, when I was sad, and everything in between. I did have a couple of friends here and there, but mostly I withdrew into my own world and ate. I had secret crushes in high school and dreaded my crush finding out. It happend once and it was devasting. I was made fun of, degraded, and had the phrase "not in my lifetime" thrown directly in my face. So, what did I do? Withdrew even further and ate more. I made some token attemps to lose weight during high school, but nothing stuck.
My first serious attempt at weight loss was the year I graduated from high school. The reason? Tony Duncan. I worked with him at Dairy Queen and boy did my heart pitter patter whenever he was around. But, who would date a fat girl? Not Tony. So I tried to lose weight. Desperately. I ended up losing about 20 lbs using a place called "The Diet Center". I got really sick of canned chicken, and was broke because of the weekly fees, but I thought Tony was worth it. I never got that date, though. I quit the job and I saw Tony only one more time, about two years later. I had managed to keep the weight off, but Tony still didn't see the goddess underneath the extra weight I still carried. I don't know what happend to Tony, but I hope he is happily married, successful and has a beautiful wife. I truly do. Then Tracy showed up.
Ah, Tracy Telford. The first guy that ever liked me back. Too bad he had a girlfriend at college he didn't bother to tell me about until we had a couple of dates. I take that back. He didn't tell me, I found out about the girlfriend from other co-workers. I was still heavy, but significantly smaller than when I was in high school. The relationship was doomed to fail as I was uncomfortable with intimacy, especially "naked intimacy" if you know what I mean! Being fat, I dreaded being naked, even when I was alone, much less in front of someone else. Since I wouldn't take off my clothes, Tracy took off. I have no clue whatever happend to him, but I hope he was dumped by a really hot chick at some point. He deserves nothing less. :-)
After Tracy I started packing the pounds on again. I was in a bad situation at home, with parents that fought, and a dad that deserves a whole blog of his own, but we won't go there! I finally moved out of my parents house at age 22 and realized why mom didn't buy all that name brand stuff we loved so much. Thus began the first time I was thin. I mangaged to drop 50lbs the first four months after moving out. I also had a great time in my first apartment. I dated quite a bit, as I had friends who dated GI's, and I met several nice guys, but no serious relationships. I had a lot of self-confidence and met my first husband. Bill. My sister-in-law nicknamed him "The Troll" even before we got married. One of the first times I felt genuine love for my soon to be sister-in-law!
The weight started coming back on as soon as Bill and I moved in together. I relaxed my eating habits, couldn't find time to exercise and the weight came back. Not as much as before, but it was coming back. We got married, moved to my parents house, then moved out. (A whole other blog, even seperate from my dad. Maybe someday!) We bought a trailer because Bill was pissed at having to move out of the house and insisted that a trailer was all we could afford. So, what did I do? Got pregnant, gained weight, and came dangerously close to becoming trailer trash! Seriously. I even had the two toned hair, broken down old truck parked out front, and the hound dog chained in the front yard. Not to mention being pregnant! But I digress...
Alx was born in December 1993 and I loved him about two months later. I really wanted a girl and was also depressed that I didn't lose the weight instantly. I was still wearing maternity clothes 8 weeks post-partum, but Alx finally won my heart. In October 1994 we went to New York to visit my father's family and I was hit full force with my weight. My New York family is full of skinny bitches. I mean that literally. Skinny BITCHES. Love you guys, but I got this personality through genetics. I was the FAT BITCH in the family. Every family has one, and I was it. I was always the only fat girl in the family, but for some reason it really hit home on that trip. So, I came back, joined Jenny Craig and got down to 113 pounds and a size two. I was also amazed that my life wasn't perfect because I was now a skinny bitch, too.
I kept the weight off pretty well. The divorce helped. I didn't eat much worrying about paying bills on my own and living with my mom at 30. Having to live with your mom at 30 is enough to kill anyone's appetite, for sure. (Love you, Mom!) This was in 1997. Then I met Dan, my second husband, who I am currently married to. He was an eating machine and I tried to keep up. Suddenly I was 25lbs heavier and it completely snuck up on me. I struggled and struggled to keep the weight down, succeeding sometimes, others not. I yo-yoed between a size 6 and a size 10 until 2002, when I got pregnant with Jayden.
Jayden's pregancy was pretty easy. Nothing out of the ordinary, except I gained more weight than I wanted. I weighed 142 when I got pregnant. I weighed 188 the day I delievered. Jayden weighed in at 9lbs, 13oz at birth. Keep in mind I am only 5 feet tall. He was a HUGE baby. After much dicussion it was determined that I was probably gestational diabetic, but it wasn't bad enough to show on tests.
A year after Jayden's birth, I knew I was still heavy, but didn't realize how heavy until Dan and I went to Las Vegas to get married. I cried when I saw the pictures. I as HUGE! I weighed 167lbs I found out, when we got back. Why did I find that out, you ask? I'll tell you. Three weeks after we got back from Vegas I found out I was pregnant. I was hysterical. 167lbs and pregnant. How the hell was I going to get through this without blowing up to whale like proportions? I was in absolute panic. The kicker? After two months of panic at being pregnant, I found out I was having twins. Yup, twins. Total, instant, absolute panic! I was going to balloon up to proportions not yet seen in the human world and it will NEVER, EVER come off, EVER! I was completely convinced. I was also diagnosed as gestational diabetic during my twins' pregnancy. Man, I really hated doing that blood sugar test four times a day. I was able to control it through diet and a medication called glyburide. Thank goodness I didn't have to do the insulin shots.
Sometimes, things happen in a way that is totally unexpected. That horrific weight gain? Didn't happen. I gained 30 lbs. Total. With twins. The lowest total of pounds I gained in any of my pregnancies was with twins. Go figure. Maybe it was the panic, the diabetes, or the fact that I was already heavy, but I was relieved. I got through the pregnancy without hitting "The Big Deuce". I was close, hitting 197. I would weigh in and take off everything I could before I stepped on that scale. Quite a feat considering it was Feburary, but I was incubating twins so I didn't need to wear much. The nurses laughed, but one completely got me. She would make suggestions on things to take off to not add extra weight. Who knew a watch could make such a difference on a scale?
Well, I gave birth and immediately dropped to 182 the day after the birth. Did I mention I had twins? One weighed 5lbs 12oz, the other 7lbs, 7oz. Most of it was baby, but I was happy. Unfortunately, the twins ended up in the hospital within two weeks of birth because of RSV infections. Nate, my oldest first, then a week later, little Ryan. I realized during Ryan's stay that I had lost enough weight that I could wear some jeans that hadn't been on my body since before Jayden was born. Halleluiah! And it was only three weeks post-partum! I thought I had my weight conquered and I was going to lose it all. Right back down to 113. That dream was short lived.
It was tough getting used to parenting twins and another child less than two years older. Without realizing it, I had ballooned back up again. In January 2007 a friend and I decided to join Weight Watchers. Now, keep in mind that I had been working out 3-5 days per week, religiously, for almost three years at this point. My Y buddies will tell you! But when I stepped on that scale at WW the first time, I was shocked. 174lbs. How the hell did that happen, especially since I worked out all the time? At 5' feet tall, I was huge. Again. This is only 2lbs less than what I weighed at my heaviest before I lost down to 113. I was devasted. I went home, cried, and ate 2 dozen Snickerdoodles. I would start my diet the next day.
I lasted about a month on WW, losing 9lbs. It didn't help, I just felt like they took my $10 bucks to weigh me and sent me on my way. My husband bought me some sessions with a personal trainer at the Y and my trainer turned me on to a website called Sparkpeople.com. What a revelation that was. I started using it and by the end of the summer had lost almost 30lbs. I was so psyched by my weight loss I decided to become an aerobics instructor. I made it through the training, was certified, and even began teaching in December 2007. But, I lost my focus and by spring 2008 I had gained most of the weight back. Depressed, I didn't know what I was going to do. Who wants to take an aerobic class from a fat instructor? I was in great shape inside, but outside I was still fat.
In late spring of 2008 my husband was contacted by someone in his high school class and was told they were planning his 25th reunion for September 08. Not wanting my husband to go to his reunion with a fat wife tagging along I decided once again to lose weight. I did. In spades. I hit my goal for the September reunion and I was happy. I was feeling confident about myself, felt good about the classes I was teaching, everything was great.... then, I was without a goal. Not having a goal and having lost focus once again, I have been fighting putting the weight back on since. I gained a couple of pounds back, then lost it. Then gained it again, then lost it again. We were planning a trip to Vegas for our 5th anniversary in June and I really wanted to be down to 120. I didn't make it. I still had a good time, but I would have let myself have more fun had I been thin. So, here I am today. I have realized several things about myself that I have known all along, but haven't taken seriously. I have also renewed my commitment to losing the weight. I have a 50% chance of developing Type 2 Diabetes if I don't get my weight under control. My dad's family has a history of heart disease, and my mom's family has a significant proportion of overweight people. If I don't get this under control, it could mean my life.
So, here I am today, renewing my commitment to get to a healthy weight. I probably won't ever weigh 113 again, but I can get to 125 and still be in good shape. Here is what I know...
1. Diets don't work. It's true. I need to change the way I eat and my relationship with food if I am to be successful and keep off the weight. Just cutting calories to get the weight off won't be successful in the long run. Unless I change my habits, the weight will come back when I return to my "normal" eating pattern.
2. I have to write everything I eat down. I forget sometimes things that I eat, so I eat something thinking I am OK, then realize after eating the cookie that I had a piece of chocolate earlier. I then get mad at myself and eat two more cookies, because really, at that point, does it matter anymore? Yes. Yes, it does.
3. I have to remain physically active. This one is pretty easy since I am an Aerobic Instructor, but it is different when you teach a class versus take a class. I need to teach less and take more classes, or add variety into my workouts. I also need to track my physical activity to make sure I am getting enough. Yes, I could lose weight without it, but I want those defined biceps and six-pack abs and I won't get those by cutting calories alone.
4. I have to forgive my failures. No one is perfect and I am going to fail. The trick is to learn from the failure and not beat myself up over it. So, I had an extra cookie. It won't kill me and I will just need to be careful what I eat the rest of the day. As opposed to getting depressed, eating the whole package of Oreos, and undoing everything I did right for the past two weeks.
5. I need to share my goal with others. Other people will keep me honest. If they see I'm not losing weight after the "Big Declaration" they might wonder and ask why. I don't want them to ask. I want them to remark on how slim I am looking these days. I also want the support of the people close to me and I won't get it if I don't ask for it.
6. Celebrate my successes. Enough said!
Please join me on this journey. If you do, I hope to be an inspiration to others, or maybe the catalyst that spurs someone else to get healthy. I am sure my story is not unique. We are all important to someone else in this life and we owe it to them to stick around as long as we can!
See you soon,
Angel
My first serious attempt at weight loss was the year I graduated from high school. The reason? Tony Duncan. I worked with him at Dairy Queen and boy did my heart pitter patter whenever he was around. But, who would date a fat girl? Not Tony. So I tried to lose weight. Desperately. I ended up losing about 20 lbs using a place called "The Diet Center". I got really sick of canned chicken, and was broke because of the weekly fees, but I thought Tony was worth it. I never got that date, though. I quit the job and I saw Tony only one more time, about two years later. I had managed to keep the weight off, but Tony still didn't see the goddess underneath the extra weight I still carried. I don't know what happend to Tony, but I hope he is happily married, successful and has a beautiful wife. I truly do. Then Tracy showed up.
Ah, Tracy Telford. The first guy that ever liked me back. Too bad he had a girlfriend at college he didn't bother to tell me about until we had a couple of dates. I take that back. He didn't tell me, I found out about the girlfriend from other co-workers. I was still heavy, but significantly smaller than when I was in high school. The relationship was doomed to fail as I was uncomfortable with intimacy, especially "naked intimacy" if you know what I mean! Being fat, I dreaded being naked, even when I was alone, much less in front of someone else. Since I wouldn't take off my clothes, Tracy took off. I have no clue whatever happend to him, but I hope he was dumped by a really hot chick at some point. He deserves nothing less. :-)
After Tracy I started packing the pounds on again. I was in a bad situation at home, with parents that fought, and a dad that deserves a whole blog of his own, but we won't go there! I finally moved out of my parents house at age 22 and realized why mom didn't buy all that name brand stuff we loved so much. Thus began the first time I was thin. I mangaged to drop 50lbs the first four months after moving out. I also had a great time in my first apartment. I dated quite a bit, as I had friends who dated GI's, and I met several nice guys, but no serious relationships. I had a lot of self-confidence and met my first husband. Bill. My sister-in-law nicknamed him "The Troll" even before we got married. One of the first times I felt genuine love for my soon to be sister-in-law!
The weight started coming back on as soon as Bill and I moved in together. I relaxed my eating habits, couldn't find time to exercise and the weight came back. Not as much as before, but it was coming back. We got married, moved to my parents house, then moved out. (A whole other blog, even seperate from my dad. Maybe someday!) We bought a trailer because Bill was pissed at having to move out of the house and insisted that a trailer was all we could afford. So, what did I do? Got pregnant, gained weight, and came dangerously close to becoming trailer trash! Seriously. I even had the two toned hair, broken down old truck parked out front, and the hound dog chained in the front yard. Not to mention being pregnant! But I digress...
Alx was born in December 1993 and I loved him about two months later. I really wanted a girl and was also depressed that I didn't lose the weight instantly. I was still wearing maternity clothes 8 weeks post-partum, but Alx finally won my heart. In October 1994 we went to New York to visit my father's family and I was hit full force with my weight. My New York family is full of skinny bitches. I mean that literally. Skinny BITCHES. Love you guys, but I got this personality through genetics. I was the FAT BITCH in the family. Every family has one, and I was it. I was always the only fat girl in the family, but for some reason it really hit home on that trip. So, I came back, joined Jenny Craig and got down to 113 pounds and a size two. I was also amazed that my life wasn't perfect because I was now a skinny bitch, too.
I kept the weight off pretty well. The divorce helped. I didn't eat much worrying about paying bills on my own and living with my mom at 30. Having to live with your mom at 30 is enough to kill anyone's appetite, for sure. (Love you, Mom!) This was in 1997. Then I met Dan, my second husband, who I am currently married to. He was an eating machine and I tried to keep up. Suddenly I was 25lbs heavier and it completely snuck up on me. I struggled and struggled to keep the weight down, succeeding sometimes, others not. I yo-yoed between a size 6 and a size 10 until 2002, when I got pregnant with Jayden.
Jayden's pregancy was pretty easy. Nothing out of the ordinary, except I gained more weight than I wanted. I weighed 142 when I got pregnant. I weighed 188 the day I delievered. Jayden weighed in at 9lbs, 13oz at birth. Keep in mind I am only 5 feet tall. He was a HUGE baby. After much dicussion it was determined that I was probably gestational diabetic, but it wasn't bad enough to show on tests.
A year after Jayden's birth, I knew I was still heavy, but didn't realize how heavy until Dan and I went to Las Vegas to get married. I cried when I saw the pictures. I as HUGE! I weighed 167lbs I found out, when we got back. Why did I find that out, you ask? I'll tell you. Three weeks after we got back from Vegas I found out I was pregnant. I was hysterical. 167lbs and pregnant. How the hell was I going to get through this without blowing up to whale like proportions? I was in absolute panic. The kicker? After two months of panic at being pregnant, I found out I was having twins. Yup, twins. Total, instant, absolute panic! I was going to balloon up to proportions not yet seen in the human world and it will NEVER, EVER come off, EVER! I was completely convinced. I was also diagnosed as gestational diabetic during my twins' pregnancy. Man, I really hated doing that blood sugar test four times a day. I was able to control it through diet and a medication called glyburide. Thank goodness I didn't have to do the insulin shots.
Sometimes, things happen in a way that is totally unexpected. That horrific weight gain? Didn't happen. I gained 30 lbs. Total. With twins. The lowest total of pounds I gained in any of my pregnancies was with twins. Go figure. Maybe it was the panic, the diabetes, or the fact that I was already heavy, but I was relieved. I got through the pregnancy without hitting "The Big Deuce". I was close, hitting 197. I would weigh in and take off everything I could before I stepped on that scale. Quite a feat considering it was Feburary, but I was incubating twins so I didn't need to wear much. The nurses laughed, but one completely got me. She would make suggestions on things to take off to not add extra weight. Who knew a watch could make such a difference on a scale?
Well, I gave birth and immediately dropped to 182 the day after the birth. Did I mention I had twins? One weighed 5lbs 12oz, the other 7lbs, 7oz. Most of it was baby, but I was happy. Unfortunately, the twins ended up in the hospital within two weeks of birth because of RSV infections. Nate, my oldest first, then a week later, little Ryan. I realized during Ryan's stay that I had lost enough weight that I could wear some jeans that hadn't been on my body since before Jayden was born. Halleluiah! And it was only three weeks post-partum! I thought I had my weight conquered and I was going to lose it all. Right back down to 113. That dream was short lived.
It was tough getting used to parenting twins and another child less than two years older. Without realizing it, I had ballooned back up again. In January 2007 a friend and I decided to join Weight Watchers. Now, keep in mind that I had been working out 3-5 days per week, religiously, for almost three years at this point. My Y buddies will tell you! But when I stepped on that scale at WW the first time, I was shocked. 174lbs. How the hell did that happen, especially since I worked out all the time? At 5' feet tall, I was huge. Again. This is only 2lbs less than what I weighed at my heaviest before I lost down to 113. I was devasted. I went home, cried, and ate 2 dozen Snickerdoodles. I would start my diet the next day.
I lasted about a month on WW, losing 9lbs. It didn't help, I just felt like they took my $10 bucks to weigh me and sent me on my way. My husband bought me some sessions with a personal trainer at the Y and my trainer turned me on to a website called Sparkpeople.com. What a revelation that was. I started using it and by the end of the summer had lost almost 30lbs. I was so psyched by my weight loss I decided to become an aerobics instructor. I made it through the training, was certified, and even began teaching in December 2007. But, I lost my focus and by spring 2008 I had gained most of the weight back. Depressed, I didn't know what I was going to do. Who wants to take an aerobic class from a fat instructor? I was in great shape inside, but outside I was still fat.
In late spring of 2008 my husband was contacted by someone in his high school class and was told they were planning his 25th reunion for September 08. Not wanting my husband to go to his reunion with a fat wife tagging along I decided once again to lose weight. I did. In spades. I hit my goal for the September reunion and I was happy. I was feeling confident about myself, felt good about the classes I was teaching, everything was great.... then, I was without a goal. Not having a goal and having lost focus once again, I have been fighting putting the weight back on since. I gained a couple of pounds back, then lost it. Then gained it again, then lost it again. We were planning a trip to Vegas for our 5th anniversary in June and I really wanted to be down to 120. I didn't make it. I still had a good time, but I would have let myself have more fun had I been thin. So, here I am today. I have realized several things about myself that I have known all along, but haven't taken seriously. I have also renewed my commitment to losing the weight. I have a 50% chance of developing Type 2 Diabetes if I don't get my weight under control. My dad's family has a history of heart disease, and my mom's family has a significant proportion of overweight people. If I don't get this under control, it could mean my life.
So, here I am today, renewing my commitment to get to a healthy weight. I probably won't ever weigh 113 again, but I can get to 125 and still be in good shape. Here is what I know...
1. Diets don't work. It's true. I need to change the way I eat and my relationship with food if I am to be successful and keep off the weight. Just cutting calories to get the weight off won't be successful in the long run. Unless I change my habits, the weight will come back when I return to my "normal" eating pattern.
2. I have to write everything I eat down. I forget sometimes things that I eat, so I eat something thinking I am OK, then realize after eating the cookie that I had a piece of chocolate earlier. I then get mad at myself and eat two more cookies, because really, at that point, does it matter anymore? Yes. Yes, it does.
3. I have to remain physically active. This one is pretty easy since I am an Aerobic Instructor, but it is different when you teach a class versus take a class. I need to teach less and take more classes, or add variety into my workouts. I also need to track my physical activity to make sure I am getting enough. Yes, I could lose weight without it, but I want those defined biceps and six-pack abs and I won't get those by cutting calories alone.
4. I have to forgive my failures. No one is perfect and I am going to fail. The trick is to learn from the failure and not beat myself up over it. So, I had an extra cookie. It won't kill me and I will just need to be careful what I eat the rest of the day. As opposed to getting depressed, eating the whole package of Oreos, and undoing everything I did right for the past two weeks.
5. I need to share my goal with others. Other people will keep me honest. If they see I'm not losing weight after the "Big Declaration" they might wonder and ask why. I don't want them to ask. I want them to remark on how slim I am looking these days. I also want the support of the people close to me and I won't get it if I don't ask for it.
6. Celebrate my successes. Enough said!
Please join me on this journey. If you do, I hope to be an inspiration to others, or maybe the catalyst that spurs someone else to get healthy. I am sure my story is not unique. We are all important to someone else in this life and we owe it to them to stick around as long as we can!
See you soon,
Angel
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