My journey begins anew.

OK - So, I have been overweight most of my life. Sometimes more than others, but for the most part I have always been heavy. Looking back at my childhood pictures, where the taunts about being fat began, I wasn't heavy at all. I was a gymnast, I played soccer, I rode my bike, and played outside constantly like kids did back in the day. I wasn't fat, but I wasn't the stick thin kid that seems to be acceptable. From the first time someone called me "fatty", my fate was sealed. I was the fat kid from grade school all the way through high school and into my early twenties. I was an emotional eater who withdrew from trying to make friends because of fear. Who wants to be friends with the fat girl? What did I replace friendship with? You guess it, food. Food became my best friend. It was there when I was happy, when I was sad, and everything in between. I did have a couple of friends here and there, but mostly I withdrew into my own world and ate. I had secret crushes in high school and dreaded my crush finding out. It happend once and it was devasting. I was made fun of, degraded, and had the phrase "not in my lifetime" thrown directly in my face. So, what did I do? Withdrew even further and ate more. I made some token attemps to lose weight during high school, but nothing stuck.

My first serious attempt at weight loss was the year I graduated from high school. The reason? Tony Duncan. I worked with him at Dairy Queen and boy did my heart pitter patter whenever he was around. But, who would date a fat girl? Not Tony. So I tried to lose weight. Desperately. I ended up losing about 20 lbs using a place called "The Diet Center". I got really sick of canned chicken, and was broke because of the weekly fees, but I thought Tony was worth it. I never got that date, though. I quit the job and I saw Tony only one more time, about two years later. I had managed to keep the weight off, but Tony still didn't see the goddess underneath the extra weight I still carried. I don't know what happend to Tony, but I hope he is happily married, successful and has a beautiful wife. I truly do. Then Tracy showed up.

Ah, Tracy Telford. The first guy that ever liked me back. Too bad he had a girlfriend at college he didn't bother to tell me about until we had a couple of dates. I take that back. He didn't tell me, I found out about the girlfriend from other co-workers. I was still heavy, but significantly smaller than when I was in high school. The relationship was doomed to fail as I was uncomfortable with intimacy, especially "naked intimacy" if you know what I mean! Being fat, I dreaded being naked, even when I was alone, much less in front of someone else. Since I wouldn't take off my clothes, Tracy took off. I have no clue whatever happend to him, but I hope he was dumped by a really hot chick at some point. He deserves nothing less. :-)

After Tracy I started packing the pounds on again. I was in a bad situation at home, with parents that fought, and a dad that deserves a whole blog of his own, but we won't go there! I finally moved out of my parents house at age 22 and realized why mom didn't buy all that name brand stuff we loved so much. Thus began the first time I was thin. I mangaged to drop 50lbs the first four months after moving out. I also had a great time in my first apartment. I dated quite a bit, as I had friends who dated GI's, and I met several nice guys, but no serious relationships. I had a lot of self-confidence and met my first husband. Bill. My sister-in-law nicknamed him "The Troll" even before we got married. One of the first times I felt genuine love for my soon to be sister-in-law!

The weight started coming back on as soon as Bill and I moved in together. I relaxed my eating habits, couldn't find time to exercise and the weight came back. Not as much as before, but it was coming back. We got married, moved to my parents house, then moved out. (A whole other blog, even seperate from my dad. Maybe someday!) We bought a trailer because Bill was pissed at having to move out of the house and insisted that a trailer was all we could afford. So, what did I do? Got pregnant, gained weight, and came dangerously close to becoming trailer trash! Seriously. I even had the two toned hair, broken down old truck parked out front, and the hound dog chained in the front yard. Not to mention being pregnant! But I digress...

Alx was born in December 1993 and I loved him about two months later. I really wanted a girl and was also depressed that I didn't lose the weight instantly. I was still wearing maternity clothes 8 weeks post-partum, but Alx finally won my heart. In October 1994 we went to New York to visit my father's family and I was hit full force with my weight. My New York family is full of skinny bitches. I mean that literally. Skinny BITCHES. Love you guys, but I got this personality through genetics. I was the FAT BITCH in the family. Every family has one, and I was it. I was always the only fat girl in the family, but for some reason it really hit home on that trip. So, I came back, joined Jenny Craig and got down to 113 pounds and a size two. I was also amazed that my life wasn't perfect because I was now a skinny bitch, too.

I kept the weight off pretty well. The divorce helped. I didn't eat much worrying about paying bills on my own and living with my mom at 30. Having to live with your mom at 30 is enough to kill anyone's appetite, for sure. (Love you, Mom!) This was in 1997. Then I met Dan, my second husband, who I am currently married to. He was an eating machine and I tried to keep up. Suddenly I was 25lbs heavier and it completely snuck up on me. I struggled and struggled to keep the weight down, succeeding sometimes, others not. I yo-yoed between a size 6 and a size 10 until 2002, when I got pregnant with Jayden.

Jayden's pregancy was pretty easy. Nothing out of the ordinary, except I gained more weight than I wanted. I weighed 142 when I got pregnant. I weighed 188 the day I delievered. Jayden weighed in at 9lbs, 13oz at birth. Keep in mind I am only 5 feet tall. He was a HUGE baby. After much dicussion it was determined that I was probably gestational diabetic, but it wasn't bad enough to show on tests.

A year after Jayden's birth, I knew I was still heavy, but didn't realize how heavy until Dan and I went to Las Vegas to get married. I cried when I saw the pictures. I as HUGE! I weighed 167lbs I found out, when we got back. Why did I find that out, you ask? I'll tell you. Three weeks after we got back from Vegas I found out I was pregnant. I was hysterical. 167lbs and pregnant. How the hell was I going to get through this without blowing up to whale like proportions? I was in absolute panic. The kicker? After two months of panic at being pregnant, I found out I was having twins. Yup, twins. Total, instant, absolute panic! I was going to balloon up to proportions not yet seen in the human world and it will NEVER, EVER come off, EVER! I was completely convinced. I was also diagnosed as gestational diabetic during my twins' pregnancy. Man, I really hated doing that blood sugar test four times a day. I was able to control it through diet and a medication called glyburide. Thank goodness I didn't have to do the insulin shots.

Sometimes, things happen in a way that is totally unexpected. That horrific weight gain? Didn't happen. I gained 30 lbs. Total. With twins. The lowest total of pounds I gained in any of my pregnancies was with twins. Go figure. Maybe it was the panic, the diabetes, or the fact that I was already heavy, but I was relieved. I got through the pregnancy without hitting "The Big Deuce". I was close, hitting 197. I would weigh in and take off everything I could before I stepped on that scale. Quite a feat considering it was Feburary, but I was incubating twins so I didn't need to wear much. The nurses laughed, but one completely got me. She would make suggestions on things to take off to not add extra weight. Who knew a watch could make such a difference on a scale?

Well, I gave birth and immediately dropped to 182 the day after the birth. Did I mention I had twins? One weighed 5lbs 12oz, the other 7lbs, 7oz. Most of it was baby, but I was happy. Unfortunately, the twins ended up in the hospital within two weeks of birth because of RSV infections. Nate, my oldest first, then a week later, little Ryan. I realized during Ryan's stay that I had lost enough weight that I could wear some jeans that hadn't been on my body since before Jayden was born. Halleluiah! And it was only three weeks post-partum! I thought I had my weight conquered and I was going to lose it all. Right back down to 113. That dream was short lived.

It was tough getting used to parenting twins and another child less than two years older. Without realizing it, I had ballooned back up again. In January 2007 a friend and I decided to join Weight Watchers. Now, keep in mind that I had been working out 3-5 days per week, religiously, for almost three years at this point. My Y buddies will tell you! But when I stepped on that scale at WW the first time, I was shocked. 174lbs. How the hell did that happen, especially since I worked out all the time? At 5' feet tall, I was huge. Again. This is only 2lbs less than what I weighed at my heaviest before I lost down to 113. I was devasted. I went home, cried, and ate 2 dozen Snickerdoodles. I would start my diet the next day.

I lasted about a month on WW, losing 9lbs. It didn't help, I just felt like they took my $10 bucks to weigh me and sent me on my way. My husband bought me some sessions with a personal trainer at the Y and my trainer turned me on to a website called Sparkpeople.com. What a revelation that was. I started using it and by the end of the summer had lost almost 30lbs. I was so psyched by my weight loss I decided to become an aerobics instructor. I made it through the training, was certified, and even began teaching in December 2007. But, I lost my focus and by spring 2008 I had gained most of the weight back. Depressed, I didn't know what I was going to do. Who wants to take an aerobic class from a fat instructor? I was in great shape inside, but outside I was still fat.

In late spring of 2008 my husband was contacted by someone in his high school class and was told they were planning his 25th reunion for September 08. Not wanting my husband to go to his reunion with a fat wife tagging along I decided once again to lose weight. I did. In spades. I hit my goal for the September reunion and I was happy. I was feeling confident about myself, felt good about the classes I was teaching, everything was great.... then, I was without a goal. Not having a goal and having lost focus once again, I have been fighting putting the weight back on since. I gained a couple of pounds back, then lost it. Then gained it again, then lost it again. We were planning a trip to Vegas for our 5th anniversary in June and I really wanted to be down to 120. I didn't make it. I still had a good time, but I would have let myself have more fun had I been thin. So, here I am today. I have realized several things about myself that I have known all along, but haven't taken seriously. I have also renewed my commitment to losing the weight. I have a 50% chance of developing Type 2 Diabetes if I don't get my weight under control. My dad's family has a history of heart disease, and my mom's family has a significant proportion of overweight people. If I don't get this under control, it could mean my life.

So, here I am today, renewing my commitment to get to a healthy weight. I probably won't ever weigh 113 again, but I can get to 125 and still be in good shape. Here is what I know...

1. Diets don't work. It's true. I need to change the way I eat and my relationship with food if I am to be successful and keep off the weight. Just cutting calories to get the weight off won't be successful in the long run. Unless I change my habits, the weight will come back when I return to my "normal" eating pattern.

2. I have to write everything I eat down. I forget sometimes things that I eat, so I eat something thinking I am OK, then realize after eating the cookie that I had a piece of chocolate earlier. I then get mad at myself and eat two more cookies, because really, at that point, does it matter anymore? Yes. Yes, it does.

3. I have to remain physically active. This one is pretty easy since I am an Aerobic Instructor, but it is different when you teach a class versus take a class. I need to teach less and take more classes, or add variety into my workouts. I also need to track my physical activity to make sure I am getting enough. Yes, I could lose weight without it, but I want those defined biceps and six-pack abs and I won't get those by cutting calories alone.

4. I have to forgive my failures. No one is perfect and I am going to fail. The trick is to learn from the failure and not beat myself up over it. So, I had an extra cookie. It won't kill me and I will just need to be careful what I eat the rest of the day. As opposed to getting depressed, eating the whole package of Oreos, and undoing everything I did right for the past two weeks.

5. I need to share my goal with others. Other people will keep me honest. If they see I'm not losing weight after the "Big Declaration" they might wonder and ask why. I don't want them to ask. I want them to remark on how slim I am looking these days. I also want the support of the people close to me and I won't get it if I don't ask for it.

6. Celebrate my successes. Enough said!

Please join me on this journey. If you do, I hope to be an inspiration to others, or maybe the catalyst that spurs someone else to get healthy. I am sure my story is not unique. We are all important to someone else in this life and we owe it to them to stick around as long as we can!

See you soon,
Angel